This winter I find myself wondering if I have the winter blues.
I don't have a solid answer. My gut doesn't immediately produce a YES or a NO, only the question. But I'm leaning towards "no," because I'm not actually sad.
But I do feel like hibernating. Like listening to silence. Like turning off my phone.
I do feel like opening space in my calendar, which requires an awful lot of "No, thanks, maybe another time,"-s, or "Can we play this by ear?" Or a phrase closer to the truth, which is, "I just started a new job at my work, and it's more tiring than I thought it would be."
Which pushes my button of shame, directly. BZZT BZZT BZZT!
I think it's because I think I'm supposed to be invincible. (Do you think this about yourself, too?) That any new challenge, I'm supposed to chew it up like a snowblower does snow, and spit it out in a glorious arc over the snowbank, effortlessly.
Except a snowblower actually takes effort. It takes gas and oil, takes a person pushing it and pulling it. Takes maintenance and care - covering it up after you're done using it, making sure it's secure.
So, no. It's not the winter blues, that I have. It's that I'm a human, and humans get tired. Social media, and having a full calendar, doesn't make my spirit go "Ahhhhhh....." right now, the way free space, and staring up at the sky does.
It's odd, for me, someone who has put parts of her life up on blogs or social networks, for years, to feel the opposite compulsion. But... I'm going with it for now. That's how it goes, after all, this being human thing.
How is your winter going?
xo Leah