My job since January 2017 is a Job Developer/Trainer for adults with intellectual disabilities.

So often I feel like: "I don't know what I'm doing."

It's really really easy to let that thought crystallize into a roadblock, and then to stop doing whatever I'm doing. So much of what I'm doing since I have started this job in January is new to me, and I often feel like I'm making it up as I go.

Teach a course on pre-employment skills? Well, I have piles of binders and the directive to make a course out of it. But I've never done that before.

Go around to employers in our community and build relationships with them? Well, I have ideas and a decent ability to make conversation, as well as some experience working with people with disabilities to back me up. But again, I've never done that before.

Are these things I have enough to get started? My thought-turned-roadblock says NO. But the part of me that knows I gotta get shit done because this is my job now, says "Whether they are or they aren't, it doesn't matter. You gotta do it anyway."

Then I procrastinate.

Then I get panicky thinking of my deadline so I get my shit together. I tidy up my workspace and clear the clutter. I get down to work.

Then I get interrupted. It's breaktime or it's lunchtime, or the phone rings, or a co-worker pops in my door. Or I get a text. Or ... whatever. Then the cycle repeats.

I tend to think of myself as a confident person so it's always strange and disorienting to run into the no-confidence wall. Into the starting-again-at-a-new-thing wall.

But such is life, isn't it? I forget that fact, constantly. But such is life.

So I shut my door at work. I say "fuck it" and I start. I type a tentative lesson plan. I teach the first class. I show up to the job where I'm coaching someone. I give it a shot. I give it a shot.

In other news... life is good. I have realized I actually love my job. Even though it's new to me. Even though it's a turn off the path from what I was doing before. Even though it's not perfect and it's a little chaotic, and on some days, it's a lot draining.

And Adam and I have decided to try for a little one! This is mainly private news, but I feel like sharing here because, well, it's my blog, my life. I'm excited about the idea that any month now I could see those two pink lines on the stick, then get to experience the growing of my belly, the stirring of life.

My creative joys right now: