- Taking breaks = so good, so necessary, so right. Going back to the work, or the app, refreshed = feels 100% amazing. SO much better than "powering through" and doing creative work from a place of exhaustion.
- I love seeing Elise Blaha Cripe get inspired on a new thing. It inspires me, gets me charged up to cut out the things that no longer serve, to welcome in the new things or the things that are old but are now new again. Thank you, Elise.
- The abundance of July in plants in ditches - blue, white, purple, all the plants. Hazy hot days.
- Those blue plastic bags of recyclables went to the curb last night and are being picked up today.
- Swimming yesterday at Groves Point. The water calm, no waves. Liquid cool all over my body, my hands making a path through it.
- "Excuse me, where did you get that suit?" Twice yesterday. "A website," I reply. "Swimsuits For All." Are they saying that instead of saying, "Go you! A chubby woman wearing a bikini!" or is it just simply what they are thinking? Either way, I will take it.
- "Helloooo babe!" from a client, stopping by my office. "Coffee today," he says, and he pulls a loonie out of his pocket to show me. "Don't lose it," I say, because he is notorious for losing his money. I will probably give him a cup of coffee anyway, even if he does lose it before breaktime.
- Next week I am flying away from the ocean, inland to Toronto. I will spend a week there. I will stand in a wedding from a culture different than my own. I will see friends I haven't seen in a while. I'm looking forward to it, but also a little nervous too. The older I get the more I am a creature of habit, of home.
- A Friday at work where there isn't anything pressing, where the boss is off for the day, where I can start to feel caught up on my list = precious.
- A chocolate chip cookie and a cottage cheese so smooth it's basically yogurt.
i am inspired
- I am inspired by Sommersalt's July experiment. (Here.) She is writing a list of 10 observations of the world around her, each day. They are spare and beautiful, striking to the heart of it.
- I don't think I will do it every day. At least not right now. I am not in the headspace for a daily project. But I am in the headspace for simplicity. And for noticing. So we shall see.
- The birch tree I see when I look out the window rustles and tosses like a green pom-pom, gently shaken.
- There are things I am waiting to tell, waiting to make public. I am both anxious and excited to share. In time.
- My partner showers and I can hear the water spilling and running.
- There is a card my mother gave me, sitting on my desk beside me. A photo of two women sewing, wearing cloth around their heads, their faces looking up at the photographer, is on the front. Mom used it to wrap a pair of socks she knitted.
- My office is packed with things, most glaringly four blue bags filled with recyclables, waiting for next Friday.
- I crave tomorrow's freedom to fill my time as I please, and ache to turn my attention to the space I live in.
- We are about to drive over to Sydney and get some ribs at RibFest.
- Love.
textures
All I have in me at the moment.
finding my electricity
It's May, the end of May. The grass is green and bushy, coming along now. All the plants in the garden are making themselves known. Greening, growing.
Life rolls along. I and Adam go to our respective works, do our jobs. Come home. Make food. And all of the little things that fill up a day. (Texting, paletting, peeing, singing, walking, dish-doing... et cetera.)
Last post, I wrote about my new job and some of the resistance roadblocks I've felt. Well, those voices of resistance are slowly creeping back into the corners, but they are still present. But as I do a little more each day, I get more confident.
There are still times, though, when I take a big step out of my comfort zone, and then I feel nervous. Like last week - the choir I direct held a Spring Concert/Singalong for the other clients in the Centre and boy, was I nervous! For weeks leading up to it. There is nothing like pushing the boundaries of what you know, and going into the territory of "who the heck knows how this will go!", to make me feel... all the feelings. I was nervous that I'd f*ck it all up, that all my coworkers would laugh at me or talk about me behind my back, that the choir themselves would forget all the songs we've been learning, or that some other Potential Complete Failure would come to pass. Or all of those things at once! Whenever I thought about May 26 (the chosen date) those fears would flash across my brain.
BUT deep breaths and mantras help. Seriously! Mantras like "Just do your best, Noble. That's all you can do." Or "Just take things one minute at a time." I say them to myself in my head. Whenever needed.
And the concert/singalong went great. We sang, people listened, they sang along, they clapped. We all felt good about what we had done, what we had accomplished on this mission into the territory of "who the heck knows how this will go!". And we celebrated.
***
My creative joys right now:
- comics! I rediscovered Lucy Knisley and have fallen in love with her style and stories. Her career and reflection of how she's gotten to where she is are interesting/inspiring too.
- writing! I had the chance to talk one-on-one with Esme Waijun Wang (I won a contest she did on Instagram, so that was rad) about how I want to write a novel. (YUP - yikes - what?! NBD.) She recommended a course she made called Where's the Electricity? to get started. I bought it and we'll see what happens. I'm curious to see what passions/obsessions emerge as mine.
- Photo books - I want to make one for each year of my life since 2007, which is when I stopped printing photos and putting them in albums or scrapbooks, and started collecting digital data (without really knowing that that's what I was doing). I'm sick of all those memories being stuck behind a screen. I want them on paper, something I can touch and look through with no electrical cord needed.
- (still) my 100 Day Project - I'm making colour palettes and posting them to my Instagram. See them all here. Example palette at top of post.
Where's life taking you lately? I'd love to hear.
love lives here
Adam is working today, and I'm home by myself. I've alternated between playing music loud, complete silence, talking to my Dad on the phone, and listening to a podcast. And now back to silence.
In another hour or so, my Mom is due to arrive. A few days ago she turned 60. Today we're celebrating by going out for dinner, and then to a movie.
It seems so simple. Yet these are the memories we'll keep. When she's 70, or 80, we'll remember. We'll say, "Remember when we went to see Beauty and the Beast for your 60th?"
"Yes, back before you guys had _________ [fill in the blank here for whatever we end up naming the baby that I'm not even pregnant with yet]."
_
My friend Aleena is from Pakistan originally, and she has introduced me to the phrase "Inshallah."
"If God wills."
I asked her when someone was arriving on a plane recently and she texted back, "2:30. Inshallah." I think it's like "touch wood". "Hopefully. If all goes well. If nothing goes wrong."
We never know, what lies ahead. So we touch wood. So we say "Inshallah."
_
It's the weekend. I'm working on an idea for something to do for #The100DayProject. It has to do with colour palettes and photos of everyday life. (If you're interested in #The100DayProject there is more info here: The100DayProject. And here is my idea.) I'm a little nervous (will I keep it up? will it still be interesting to me then?) but also excited (maybe I'll keep it up! maybe it will be incredibly interesting even at the end!). Maybe it will morph and change. Probably it will morph and change. Just like the other, bigger project I'm planning to embark on, that of trying for a baby.
Inshallah.
Happy Saturday, friends.
sweet & spicy
Reading, over coffee this morning. Wanting to underline it all. Score it all, and by so doing, transfer it to my heart for safekeeping. For safe-remembering.
But it's a library book. So I'll tuck it away to order later, buy later. Not right this second, although that's what I want to do, but I'm trying to be fiscally responsible, so I will wait. (Wait for free shipping, more like.)
Last night's supper - salmon tails slathered in a sauce of horseradish, Dijon mustard, and honey. Baked in the oven. Pungent, tasty, spicy, sweet. Not for Adam (he doesn't like fish) but for me. (He had steak.)
This morning: saw Adam off at 6. Hugged him at the door. "Love you honey," I said, as normal. Then: "100 percent. Down to your toes." Not what I normally say, but I was inspired this morning. He rolls his eyes affectionately, "OK dear."
After I ate breakfast, I came in here, to my office. Inspired. In spiro. Lit my candle. Put on Lauryn Hill, the Unplugged album. Those strumming strings, those cracked-voice lyrics -- ahhhhhh. My soul. It sings along. I clap in my mind with the audience on the album.
Happy Thursday, friends.
Currently...
Writing for 15 minutes a day (or trying anyway).
Listening to this song. It seems to fit this contented, peaceful season Adam and I find ourselves in.
Smelling the pre-Spring air, itching to dig in the ground.
Googling easy-to-fit-together raised beds.
Drinking coffee, one cup in the morning.
Desiring yoga again.
Making do with a few simple stretches in my chair right now.
Watching crows out of my window on the neighbour's telephone wire.
Hitting repeat on the song from earlier.
Thinking about women, patriarchy, misogyny, love and hate. (Happy Women's Day.)
Flipping through my Get To Work Book and thinking about the day of work ahead. Who will I see, whose hellos will I hear? Will I get my planned work done or will I be interrupted? How will those interruptions shape my day?
Making lunch - a sandwich, probably.
Happy Wednesday, friends.