My word of the year: Level

A circle in a roof shows the sky beyond. Saw this at Aidan’s school and loved it.

I love the whole “pick a word for the year” thing. Some years I do more with it, some years less.

(Here are the past years: 2022 - Clear, 2021 - Spacious, 2020 - Action , 2019 - True , 2018 - Grow, 2017 - Nest)

This year what jumped into my brain last night was: LEVEL. As in: level up. As in: level headed. Level best. “I’m going to level with you.” Being on the level. It’s going to be a year of putting my head down and doing the work.

2023 Goals:

• Level up career-wise. I have a few ideas for this but nothing firm yet. But my 5-10 year plan is to be in an ED position somewhere so I’m making steps toward that.

• Do two surf lessons. I’ve long wanted to surf! Only one way to do it.

• Do a box jump at the gym. So far I psych myself out, so I’m going to work on this one.

• Write the first draft of my novel. I started it in 2019, but have really gotten away from it. I want to get back to it, finish a draft and then see about an editor or an agent.

• Pay down debt. This one’s simple. Fewer indulgences, probably no trips, but paying off debt.

• Lastly I want to build an arch in my garden to grow beans on!

What are your goals for this year? Did you pick a word?

2019 first quarter - headed in the right direction

In my last post I said I was going to try to write once a month and then… promptly forgot.

But with spring comes some fresh energy, some renewed excitement for writing, and more specifically, for blogging. I feel the urge to be in this space more. To renovate, to go through back posts, to tweak and to make mine again.

The other day I was walking from my car across a small parking lot to a store where a client was working, and I saw this arrow. I stopped short. I felt I had to take a photo there. So, I did.

And whenever I look at it I hear the words to the India Arie song “Headed in the Right Direction”:

Headed in the right direction
I can see the light of day
I've got love as my connection
There's an angel showing me the way

Been reaching for love all my life
I couldn't find it always one step behind it
Now I know it was mine all the time finally I am

Headed in the right direction…

So, an update. We’re three months into 2019. First quarter. Here’s a check-in with the various things in my mind, in my life, on my plate right now. Most of these categories will probably end up being their own posts sometime soon, as there’s more to flesh out about each of them, more I want to share.

Mama life - Aidan is crawling and pulling himself up on stuff. He is saying “CAT”. He is playing peekaboo with a towel. Coparenting is sometimes great, sometimes hard (the distance mainly, and communication). Feeling weird about Aidan having this whole other life half the time, that I really know very little about. BUT… 50/50 allowed me to feel human again. To bring back to life the other parts of me that were pushed aside by “mama”. Overall being a mom is amazing and I love my kiddo. I’m almost completely certain I don’t want to have another kid… but I’ve grown in my convictions as a feminist and my motivations to support mothers and parents. There’s so much more we can do as a society to support them.

One Little Word: The word for this year is TRUE and I’m doing a sort of meld of a journal and a scrapbook and a collage… so far I like it a lot. It’s messy, but it’s meaningful. I’d like to share more in a future post.

Creative Soul Weekend - wanting to grow this and morph it a bit. We just did a Mini CSW event and it went great. We’re thinking about doing a summer event that’s free, as well as the regular retreat in September. I’m feeling it gather energy, and collaborating with Emily like a sister on the other side of the island is a very special relationship.

Lumiere project - OK, so I think I’m obsessed with an icewall? And I’m going to apply to do a project as part of the Lumiere arts festival this year. Stay tuned for more on this, for sure.

Work life - My career. I’m wanting to get a birds’ eye view of it, see how I got where I am. See where I’m going next. I have an exercise from my friend Laura that I want to do that digs into some of my work projects and what I’ve liked best about them and what I want to do more of. I’m itching to do more design work and also writing and editing work… and could see myself taking on a few freelance clients in future. But I also really love my work with adults with disabilities, and the organization where I work full time, so… there’s lots to explore there.

Love life - That relationship I mentioned in my previous post ended, unfortunately. There’s new energy in this space but it’s not ready to be shared just yet.

Less phone time - I’m using screen time features on iPhone. I quit playing HayDay. Truly, I’m wanting to READ MORE. I read recently the line “Your life is what you pay attention to” and it is stuck in my brain. It’s working too - I’ve read several books since starting this experiment end of February. I’m tracking them with the hashtag #LCNreads2019 on Instagram.

Saving money (sharing Internet, cutting TV, eating more plant-based foods, etc) and fashion - “dress for the job you want to have” - are both things on my mind but that I haven’t done a whole lot about them yet.

Basically this is just a brain dump… like a real journal, only online. Like blogging circa 2004. Which I miss, and want to do again. So, why not? Why not just do it?

Why not, indeed. The hell with the algorithms. Let’s be real.

how 2018 went and my 2019 word

My last post was in June and had this same place as the photo.

2018 was a big year for me. I mean, BIG.

It started out with me, pregnant, at my mother’s house. Freshly broken up with, keenly heartbroken. But if I’m honest, also feeling pangs of “this means I can start over”. Feeling relief.

I had looked at the apartment and said I would take it, but not yet signed the lease because the electrical wasn’t signed off on. That was fine - the baby wasn’t due until February 15th. I thought I had plenty of time.

A week and half later, the night of January 9th/morning of January 10th, Aidan came early. An ambulance ride through a snowstorm over Kelly’s Mountain, a panicked and painful (but quick) delivery and suddenly, I was a mom. Suddenly, I had a baby in NICU and was trying to breastfeed and was living in hospital.

We were out of there after a couple of weeks and the months that followed are a blur now. I’m glad I took pictures and videos, and jotted a few notes in my planner, because I wasn’t writing in my own journal nor was I blogging. I was, however, really active on Instagram, especially Stories, and that provided me with so much support. (THANK YOU.) Mainly I was obsessed with Aidan’s weight gain, which is kind of hilarious now since he’s in the 99th percentile for height and weight. But at first he was slow to grow. I have a whole notebook filled with my notes on each feeding, how much he ate, how much he pooped or peed. I can barely look at it now, to be honest, because it brings back all the fear I was feeling at the time.

Also in February my ex and I started the process of creating a legal agreement for our coparenting. We met with a lawyer (the awesome Danielle MacSween of Manley Law) and gave her our ideas, and she also gave us her advice and thoughts. I cannot stress enough how important this legal agreement has been to me since, and how worth it it was. I know the law can be daunting, especially if you’re going through a separation and you think you want to “not rock the boat for the kids’ sake,” so if you’re struggling, reach out and I can at least tell you I’ve been there.

In March things started to turn around. Aidan was gaining weight better. The weather was slightly better and I got a Huggaloops from a friend. I started taking Aidan for walks outside, wrapped up in the carrier and under my coat. I found out my ex was in a new relationship, and had been since Aidan was born, which was a hard knock emotionally, but I dealt with it. He also started taking the baby to his place for a few hours on the weekend, and I got to go see movies with friends, which was HUGE for my mental health. Admittedly it was hard to let the baby go but after the first time (and crying) it was fine.

I’m reading back over my planner for the year as I’m writing this post and while it seems easy in retrospect to sum up the growth and all the things I went through, reading my planner brings me back to the immediacy of it. How when you’re in it, you’re IN IT. The newborn phase. The issues with the ex. How I didn’t have all my stuff out of my ex’s place fully until April. How I used to write down what days Aidan would have his bath on (now he gets one every night as part of it his bedtime routine, and loves it). How messy my handwriting was because I was tired and didn’t care and didn’t have the time to be neat. How I didn’t know then what I know now - that it would pass. That it DID pass.

Photo by Ryan MacDonald Photography.

Summer came and by then I was feeling much happier. Much more ease. I took the baby to the beach a bunch of times, which was sandy and sticky and annoying, but still worth it. I was looking into daycare, thinking ahead to the following January when I would be going back to work. My ex was coming by my place 3-4 evenings a week for an hour and a half, to spend time with the baby, and I would go out and walk or do groceries. My apartment still didn’t feel super MINE, because I had so many other people in it all the time.

Summer was also HOT and humid. I spent a lot of time with Aidan in front of a fan, or sitting out under the tree between my neighbour’s place and mine. That was nice though because I saw a lot of them, the elderly couple that live next door, and we became close.

By the end of August I felt ready to start dating again - or at least dip a toe in the water - and signed up for Tinder. I just wanted some fun dates - I wasn’t looking to fall in love or have a big relationship again right away. I met a few fellas, went out a couple times, and started chatting with this one guy who seemed awesome, but our dates kept getting cancelled for a variety of reasons. (LOL… foreshadowing here people.)

September was the Creative Soul Weekend, which my dear friend Emily had done the lion’s share of the planning work for this year when I was “snowed under” with my newborn. It was the best one yet, I feel, and I felt strong and in my own power - like everything that had happened the past year, had for a reason. Also at this weekend I realized that I needed to go back to work sooner than January. I was starting to feel restless at home with the baby and I was really needing his father to start doing 50% of the care, which would only begin when I went back to work.

For me to go back early, I needed to find daycare. I had Aidan on a bunch of lists but nobody had spots for a baby under 18 months open. So I really had to ramp up my calls and find some new places to call. I ended up finding a dayhome for him that we’re really happy with, so thank goodness for that.

October 21st I finally went on a first date with the guy I’d been talking to since September. Finally our schedules aligned, finally it worked out. We met up again the following day and have been crazy about each other ever since. He’s kind, thoughtful, sweet, sexy. Smart and funny. We have a lot of things about our childhood and growing up in common, and I keep pinching myself, because sometimes it doesn’t feel real. Like what is this, fucking “Eat Pray Love”??! I was so ready, almost looking forward to, being single for years and years. I wasn’t expecting to legit fall in love. But that’s what has happened. So far, so good.

My date for back to work was set - November 5th. And it came and I transitioned quickly back into working full time. I honestly missed it so much. It’s hard to say, if my situation were different, if I had a loving awesome partner living with me and the baby, would I have taken the full year of mat leave or would I still have needed to go back to my job? Who knows. Time will tell if I end up having another child someday, but that’s such a big question mark at this point. But my guess is yes, I would have. I love my work and I love TO work. It makes me feel whole. Each woman, each parent, is different, which is the beauty of it - some mums or dads want to be with the baby at home for as long as possible. Some don’t. And it’s all OK.

Once I started back to work, the 50/50 schedule began. I was nervous for it, for sure, but two months in and Aidan seems to be doing great. I’m also doing great. Sure, there are times I miss him, when he’s at his dad’s for those 2-3 days, but having some real solid time to myself again feels so needed. Like filling a well that was running dry. It will take a while before it’s totally full again.

Also in the last couple of months I got my tattoo!! I’d been wanting a mama lion/baby lion tattoo for a while now but finally got the guts to get it together. I went to see Nikki Boisvert of Surly Mermaid Tattoos and they designed up a gorgeous piece with botanicals and geometrics and of course, a fierce mama lion and her baby. I have zero regret, 100% joy and badassness when I look at it on my arm. It’s like a badge, a decoration I have earned in the war of 2018.

So here we are. The end of 2018. It’s been a BIG year. The word I picked at the new year last year was GROW and holy shit, was it ever the right word. I feel like I’ve evolved, like a Pokemon or whatever - like I’m not at all the same Leah who started this year. Or I am, just a deeper, more real version of her. Or something.

So that brings me to my word for this year: TRUE.

I was originally going to go with the word COMMUNITY. In the One Little Word group on Facebook, I had written:

I want to be more active in my local community, helping those in need, volunteering some time. I want to be more aware of what is happening in my community, too, and not just hide away from the news. I want to explore the concept of "community" both in person and online, both local and global. I want to think about the community where I grew up (and where I may move back to), as well as the community I live in now. And I'm not sure what else but I feel like this word has some things to teach me, because it has been insistent on being my word for this year!

But then it started to feel stressful. It brought back the feelings of having to be available to the community all the time, which is frankly why I stopped blogging on my community blog Dream Big Cape Breton, back in the day.

So I did some journalling. Some thinking. And the word TRUE came to the surface. This is what I wrote in the group about the change:

I changed my word from "community" to TRUE. I was thinking about how what I really need this year is to not lose myself. Last year my word was GROW because I was going through a lot of stuff (separation, new baby, moving). Now that I've found myself again I don't want to lose my joy, or compromise it away. I've fallen in love and I'm so scared that I'll do the same things I did in my last relationship, which was try and be whatever I thought he wanted me to be. So with TRUE I think I will be able to stay true to myself, and speak my truth.

(I just want to say, too, that I don’t think my new love wants me to be anyone other than who I am. He’s cool like that. If I were to try to change myself it would be my own internal voice telling me I should. I’m realizing that’s what I did in my last relationship.)

I’d like to post here once a month with the stuff we do in the One Little Word course, just as a place to keep it and share it. We’ll see if I actually do it… but I’m hoping to keep with it. Stay tuned! LOL.

And… happy New Year. Thanks for reading. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead!

clarity

The last post I wrote on here was called "foggy waters" and indeed things felt foggy then. Things feel clearer now. 

Crazy to think that last post was on November 18th. It feels like far longer ago than that! A month and a half only... those days in between feel hard-won.

Anyway, it felt like time for an update. 

A lot of the questions in that last post have been answered. Yes, we're breaking up. Yes, there is hope - but not about us getting back together. It's hope for the baby, for us as co-parents. For our family (extended) to crack apart and then mend in a new way. We're doing pretty good at that so far. We're gathering the stuff the baby will need, and we're communicating well. The support of my own parents and brother has been invaluable. Yes, I will thrive again.  I can feel the buds of that appearing. Yes, I will have my own place. (There is one in the works, I just haven't moved in yet.) 

A lot of the things I mentioned as helping me through the dark patches are still what gives me life. Friends, and their texts, and laughing with them - LIFE. Music, old from my past or new, introduced to me - MORE LIFE. Writing about it - in my journal, in drafts in my email for future posts. In texts to friends. Same: LIFE. These things remind me I am alive, I am bad-ass, I am getting through. I CAN get through. 

I picked a word for this year, and it is GROW. On Instagram I wrote: "What I'm interested in inviting into my life this year is... growth. Both that of my baby (in the next month and a half she or he is growing to full-term, being born and then there is all the growth after that), and of myself. I'm growing as a person too... becoming a mother. Living on my own for the first time since I was 18. (I had room-mates after my first apartment on my own, and then lived with my partner for five years.) Going through a separation is a painful process and the last three months of 2017 were about things breaking apart, and me feeling broken. I want to *heal*, to feel *joy*. I want to respect the process of course - not just pretend I'm not sad when I'm sad - but I want to welcome in the positive growth that is part of this process too."

Right now the growth feels hidden. Under snow, in the case of the garden and the woods. Under my own skin, in the case of the baby that I cannot yet see, but who is slowly getting bigger every day, getting ready to be born. (Holy shit!) And hidden beyond this moment, in the future, unknown, in the case of everything else - my new place, when it will be ready, how I'll move in, what I'll need, how the birth will go. 

But just because I can't see it, doesn't mean it's not happening. Secret small things are unfurling, are building off each other, are becoming real and new. GROWTH is surprising, GROWTH is ancient and yet brand new. Growth is happening. 

quiet morning #2

Yup, I let my cat sit on the table. 

There are worse things.

Why is the old, shitty grill pan on the table? Lord knows. I asked Adam. He wants to get rid of it. But likely it will sit on the table for ... a month? ... before we do anything with it. #life

The monthly exercise for April in the One Little Word course is to write "What does it mean to really [your word here]?" on Post-its and stick them up around your house, your car, your planner, wherever you're going to see them. 

And variations thereof: "What does it feel like to __________?" "What does it look like when I'm _________?" 

And I gotta say, it's neat. This one pictured above is on the window above the sink, a place where I am quite often, doing dishes. I like that it simply asks the question and lets my brain fill in the rest. I like that I can think about it while I do a mindless task and let my brain come up with little bits of ideas, that I then go write down. 

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The 100 Day Project starts tomorrow. I'm a little nervous but also excited. Will I stick with it? I keep wondering. Well, I mean, I don't know. I can't know. But I can give it a try. 

I'm doing 100 Colour Palettes. Here's what I've got so far. (It will give you an idea of the project.)

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I'm currently grooving to -- and loving -- this song and video:

I put it on and dance around my kitchen. Even though I don't wear a hijab, nor am I Muslim, I believe in the right to do so, to be so. And it's damn danceable. 

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It's April third and today I was out shovelling yet another 5 centimetres of snow that had formed in drifts across the driveway. It doesn't feel a whit like spring here at the moment. Snow is still a foot deep across the land, and the wind is cold and whips it all around in spirals and clouds. It's pretty, absolutely. Am I ready for it to be gone? 100 percent. I dream of baby daffodil nubs poking up out of the dirt. Of the warmth of the spring sun and the steady tap-tap-tap of melting snow and ice. 

Ahh well. It is what it is. 

Off to work with me. Happy Monday, friends.

In Transition

The parsley went to seed this year.

So here we are, it's a week into the New Year. Goals and resolutions hit the road. Or, wait, what's that phrase? When the rubber hits the road? Yeah, something like that. Anyway, what I mean is, one week in to the new year is when I remember that you've got to take things one day at a time. Setting goals for the year is a good thing, but it's one day at a time that dreams come to pass. That the work gets done. 

Me running the snowblower earlier today. The joy of flying snow!

It was a funny week. Monday started off strong when I took part in a really fun voice workshop with a local singer and voice teacher, and then Tuesday I was back to work. The clients at Horizon weren't back yet, it was just staff in that day, so it was very quiet around the Centre. It was nice though, to have a chance to get my bearings back in the office, before adding in the hustle and bustle of clients to the building. 

Then Wednesday morning I woke up with a full-blown head cold. Low energy, congestion, the whole bit. So that day I stayed home from work, and slept and OK, yeah, watched Outlander. (I finished Season 2 - have you seen it?) Luckily for me, I had made a big pot of chicken soup the week before, when Adam was sick, so I had a steady supply of easy-to-heat nutrients. 

Thursday I was still under the weather, so I took another sick day. This time around I slept the entire day, waking only to eat lunch (soup again). I always resist doing that, sleeping a whole day, I think because I don't like missing out on a whole day of life, but it seemed to do the trick at kicking those germs' butts because the next day I was mostly back to normal. 

I went back to work on Friday, which felt like a Monday, but of course was not. I was glad to get out of the house though, and get back to the office and see familiar co-workers and clients. It's funny - NEST is my word for the year, which I first assumed would mean getting all domestic and working on our home, but I'm already noticing that I need to get out of the nest just as much. Being around others, and working with them, satisfies a part of me I just can't get at home.

The "One Little Word" course I mentioned in last week's post asks you to pick a quote that uses your word, and the one I found and went with is: 

"By going and coming, a bird weaves its nest."

It's an Ashanti proverb, according to the Internet. I like it - it says to me that going out into the community, away from your home, and then coming back with bits you find (whether those are actual material things, or stories or experiences), is just as much a part of the nest-building process as working in or on your home. Which is good, because I go a little stir-crazy when I'm home for too long. 

So that was the week! Not a lot going on, but that's just fine. This weekend I got out, over to Sydney during the day on Saturday, and helped my friend Amanda shop for her freezer meal workshop. It was actually fun, going shopping with her, and we talked about maybe doing our weekly groceries together, to hang out together and also to spare our partners from having to do it. 

And then after that, before I came back to North Sydney, I got to have coffee with a friend who lives in Ottawa these days, but who was home for the holidays, and another mutual friend who lives in town. The fact that I'm not doing client work on the weekends means I have time for these things. For sitting in a coffee shop and losing track of the time, my hands wrapped around a mug with two cold sips of mocha left in the bottom, laughing and catching up on each others' lives. It feels really good. 

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So this blog and I, you may sense, are in transition. Over the next month or so, I'll make some tweaks to it, making it less about the freelance design business that I was starting, less about selling me and my services, and more about just... me. My writing. My photos. My design work, yes, but that design work is part of a greater body of work that I've made and want to share. This word I've picked for the year, NEST, can also mean my nest, or home, on the web, which is what this website is, when you think about it. So, like making changes to a physical space, I'll make some changes to this digital space to reflect where my life is at now, and what I want to be making and sharing. Stay tuned!

I'm turning away from having my own business, at least for this year, and to be honest, it feels OK. I had worried that I would feel disappointed in myself, or that I had disappointed others, (especially those who supported my crowdfunding campaign in 2015) but honestly, I don't. I gave freelance-on-the-side-while-working-full-time a decent shot. It wasn't for me. That's not to say that freelance design won't work for me sometime down the road, but for now, for where I'm at in my life, I prefer keeping the full-time job (for a variety of reasons), and then getting rid of a few extra commitments so that I have more time and energy. So that I'm a better worker when I'm at work, and a better friend, partner, and, well, friend to myself, when I'm not at work. 

More on all of these things, to come! I want to blog weekly I think. For now, I'll leave you with a selfie of me earlier today, after Adam and I had cleared the driveway of snow, and I went into the backyard to poke around in the snow-covered garden a bit. 

With love,

Leah

My One Little Word for 2017: NEST

It seems fitting that I am writing this post about NEST in my bed, while it rains outside. 

It's January 1st and the start of a new year. Adam and I stayed up until 2 am yesterday, watching Phish play Madison Square Garden, toasting each other with Prosecco and generally being our silly selves. Today we're being lazy. He is on the couch and I am in our bedroom, watching Outlander. "Liminal" is a word I learned recently, meaning the transitional time, and I like it. I think it applies to today - that crossover day between the celebrations, however wild or tame, of the night before, where you said goodbye to last year, and welcomed the new year. 

So. 2017 - a new year, a fresh start. This year I'm going to choose a word, and take part in Ali Edwards' One Little Word class to explore that word. A few years ago I tried choosing a word but didn't end up doing much with it. That seems to be a common experience for people. Oh well... we move on. 

This year the word that leaped up at me, asking to be claimed, is NEST. 

I'm not 100% sure why yet, except that I feel called to stop rushing. To stop being away from home so much. I want to work, yes, and I want to go ALL IN on my work, and give it lots of energy and drive. But I also want to come home from that work, and have a life. Have down time with my partner. Cook good food, and not be rushed. Keep the house tidier. Weed out possessions we don't need. Read more books. 

In 2017, I also want to spend more time in the garden. I want to write. I want to have more freedom, more free time, to spend how I wish - perhaps drawing, or writing, or working on something creative, but perhaps also walking, or weeding, or... whatever I need then. I'm also (fingers crossed, knock on wood) hoping to become pregnant, and grow our little family, so there is another meaning to the word NEST. 

My inner demons say, "That's not possible, life will always be stressful, you can't control it like that!" But the older I get, the more I learn that we do have some measure of control over how we spend our time. And indeed, that's the only thing we really can control. 

So, here we go. NEST. 2017. Let's see what's in store.