what's coming, what I'm letting go of

The blog posts are not very often these days but that’s OK. I’ve been wondering if I want to even keep this website here at all, and keep paying the $24/month that it costs to keep it up, but due to some recent changes you’ll read about below, I’m invigorated about it again.

So!

Some notes of late, things I want to mark in time, things that are inspiring me or that I’m excited by:

1. I’m giving up my VA gig! I was doing maybe 4 hours a month for a local photographer/friend, answering emails and helping her schedule some things, since last July. At the point when I took it on, I was still at my last job, and wanting an escape plan. At the time I thought I’d start a VA business, so my friend wanting some admin help was a great chance to try it out. However, in the ensuing year, I’ve moved jobs and am now heading in a new direction career-wise. And the old proverbial plate was feeling full - hence, a thing needed to come off. (At some point I’ll tell the story of how my replacement serendipitously came along, which is what helped me make the decision for sure.)

2. I’m taking on a new role with (a thing I volunteer for that I can't yet say) and wanting to do it REALLY well because it is exciting. More on that once I can say!

3. I was asked to do a workshop in July with two community organizations all about writing and blogging that is SO exciting. Again, I’ll share more once I’m able to!

4. My day job is one that I legit LOVE, that feels like it has upward movement, where I’m putting roots into the community I actually live in (North Sydney) instead of the neighbouring one (Sydney). At my last job, I loved some elements of it but other elements felt stale, stagnant. Doesn’t mean its not a good job for someone else - but for me it was time to move on and I’m so glad I did.

5. I’m wanting to write more! Stories. Poems. Blog posts. A book? Going to try hard not to take on anything new since giving up the VA gig, and wanting to use that time to WRITE more: be a writer, write things, publish things, teach workshops. I dunno man, something about 38 feels like - this is IT. Go after the thing you want. That you’ve always wanted. To that end - I submitted a poem to ‘Magine: Unama’ki/Cape Breton’s Literary Magazine. And I’m reviving a novel I started in 2019 that I’ll share more about soon.

6. I’m so inspired by Monica Byrne - her book The Actual Star, plus her Patreon and how she shares her process there. She’s the real deal! I want to have (elements of) her life, man.

Other than that - life is life-ing along! Aidan is four, he’ll be 4 and 1/2 next month. He’s registered for pre-primary to start in the Fall. He’s in T-Ball, and soccer starts next week. There are fewer tantrums, but still some meltdowns. He’s my little adventure pal, my quesadilla kid.

And there’s the garden, and the boyfriend, and the family, and friends. Dinners out, and Netflix shows. I got a cleaner who comes once a month now and it’s changed my life, honestly. I’ll write more about that for sure.

Life is good. More soon!

2022 Goals

Oh hey! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve showed up here.

My last post on this blog was August 13 of last year - and when I look back in my planner, only 3 days later I had an interview for a job that I would end up being offered and taking. After 7 years at the Horizon Achievement Centre working with adults with intellectual disabilities, I am now the Information Resource Specialist with the local Nova Scotia Works Employment Services Centre, only a 5 minute drive away from my home. I started that position in early September and around the same time joined the Board of Directors of ACAP Cape Breton, taking on the role of Secretary.

I also took on a Virtual Assistant client, just a few hours a month but something to try on that work, as I’ve always been curious about it.

And, I started holding monthly Climate Grief Support Circles, on zoom and in person.

Oh! And, in November I met someone and started dating them, which of course takes energy and time. Energy and time happily spent, of course! But nonetheless energy and time.

And through it all I’ve been coparenting my 3-and-a-half-year old son.

So it’s been a busy fall, haha.

Then in December the Omicron surge took off, and by the time Christmas was here I was very burnt out and tired. Not at all in the mood to set yearly goals or pick a word of the year, as I normally do.

So I gave myself grace. And space, and time.

I wrote in my journal, I mulled. While doing dishes, while doing laundry, while walking the icy snowy rainy sidewalks.

And today, I’m ready, ready to state for myself, ready to share.

I feel as though I have other goals within my relationship with my son, within my new romantic relationship, and so on, but they are personal and not something I want to share. But what I do want to share are the following:

My word this year is CLEAR. As in, get clear. Clear out. Clear energy, given and received. Clear water. And probably lots lots more I haven’t touched on yet.

AND, this year I’m aiming to:

1. deepen and sharpen my intuition and spiritual connection. (This feels the scariest to admit, but also like something that’s been a long time coming, and so I’m at a “fuck it” point.) To this end I’m part of Ocean Alchemy’s Intertidal Portal, and taking in Chrissy Tolley’s Intuitive Bachelor Unpacking on Instagram. (Yes, really.)

2. finish my hikes project (6 hikes remaining: Le Chemin du Buttereau, Corney Brook, Benjie's Lake, Aspy,Branch Pond Look-off and Freshwater Lake) (Will I write more about this whole project, to hike all 26 hikes in the Cape Breton Highlands National Park? I sure would like to. Stay tuned.)

3. refresh my website/brand/vision for my creative work - this has been a loooong time coming. I don’t know exactly how it’s going to look or play out, I just know that my sense of self, how I SEE myself, has shifted a fair bit in the last year or two, but also I know I have over 10 years of online writing and community building to comb through and pull ideas and inspiration from, including the Dream Big Cape Breton blog. So. We’ll see.

4. lift heavy things again - fuck I miss weight-lifting! I’m also a creature of habit and like to hide behind a “busy” excuse. Like many of us, I suspect. But I want to be a bad-ass bitch, and I want to be healthy, and I want to feel HOT AF in my skin. The boudoir shoot addressed a part of that, but strengthening my muscles addresses another part.

5. do a family tree refresh - my grandmother Noble was a bad-ass genealogist and compiled a ton of info on our family history. Her son (my uncle) took on the role of keeper of the records. But now I want to take that on from him (he’s in his 70’s). I’ve made a Google Form to send family for their updates, now I just have to put this shit in motion.

So, yeah, that’s where I’m at! Mid-January, it’s a snowy day, I’m feeling energized, also mildly unfocused, but wanting to be (focused, that is). I’m grateful you’re reading this, I’m grateful all of this is still a thing (the internet, blogs, etc). Let’s see where this year takes us!

10 things // July 18

1. Hot summer day, hot Sunday. Would I rather be at the beach? Yes, maybe. But a part of me is happy to be in the cool basement apartment, tidying. Clearing. Getting ready.

2. Coming to terms with all the chaos energy in my life and what I need, to balance it out. Partly it is a planner and keeping track of things. Partly it is more rest.

3. Pink Noise by Laura Mvula, an album.

4. The orange daylilies against a flat blue sky.

5. A three and a half year old son, with his father this weekend. And his father’s new family. Who were we, 4 years ago? Who are we now? Changed, changed.

6. I bought a person a card last month, addressed it to them and stamped it. Didn’t write in it, my gut said “wait'“. They called things off. Today I covered over their address, and wrote a note in it to one of my best friends. Things change, change.

7. Some days I am utterly frustrated by how slow things change, too. I want to change a great deal in my life - my own business, buy a home, write a book. Instead, I go to work. I pay my bills. I feed my child. “What if the thing you want to create will take 3X the conditioning you think it should?” What if?

8. “Don’t be a chill host.”

9. A crow flies by outside. The maple and spruce trees float and tickle the breeze.

10. What is the gift? And what is the risk?

This post format is 100% inspired by Alisha Sommor’s posts.

July 24 - 10 things

Growth. Mama, baby.

1. Yesterday was my late paternal grandmother’s birthday. Isabel. She would have been almost a hundred - 97 years old. I put out on the table a photo album open to a page with a photo of me and her in 1989. Her hair was white, I remember her as OLD. She was only 65.

2. The forest, the rain, a waterfall, a pool. Nakedness. A wonder.

3. “These are the days of miracle and wonder.”

4. Butter, bread, cheese, cream cheese. A frying pan. The resulting crunch and smoothness of a perfect grilled cheese.

5. A fun writing exercise is when you write out a paragraph and then it doesn’t save and you rewrite it, better. Perhaps.

6. So many Paw Patrol yogurt drinks in this season of my life. Of Aidan’s life.

7. It’s OK to delegate work that others can do too, and save the work that only you can do, for you. (Write the book!)

8. Since coming out as bi last month, it feels as though I am dancing with my freedom. I am trying on new hats, new styles of clothing, looser fitting, more comfortable. This is literal and figurative. This feels so, so good.

9. The miracle is that we’re all still here. Still working on it all.

10. I am working on keeping a zero balance on my credit card and it feels scary and weird not to owe anything. Freedom can be scary.

This post format is 100% inspired by Alisha Sommor’s posts.

life lately, in verbs

Walking... at the track above. I love the little community park that it is. I love the older folks I see there often. I love the little birdhouses someone put up. I even love the highway that runs right next to it. 

Loving... my baby's rolls on his legs. My own belly (working on loving it anyway). My own body, beginning to age and to sag and to have stretch marks. But here anyway. 

Listening... to a playlist of my favourites on Spotify.

Healing... the wounds. My heart. My hurt. 

Kissing... my baby's cheeks. As much as I can. It's like a drug!

Cooking... Hello Fresh meals. Roasting zucchini, tomatoes, chickpeas. Or making a turkey burrito bowl. Trying new things. 

Learning.... how to co-parent. (Working on a post about what I've learned so far!) 

Dancing... in the kitchen to amuse Aidan. 

Watching.... a shit ton of Grey's Anatomy. It's just comforting! I started from the beginning. I'm gonna make it past season 5 this time, I swear! (That's where I stopped back in... 2010? Not sure.) I really liked this piece about it: "It pushes all the appealing buttons of a quality soap opera, as hunky guys and beautiful women tangle with each other — both personally and professionally — within the high stakes world of a bustling hospital. But it's also a story told Rhimes' way, featuring her fondness for shocking topicality, her taste for ethnic and sexual diversity, and her skill at building complex relationships between women."

Smiling... a lot these days.

More clarity + more growth

My previous post on this blog was literally the day before my son was born, five weeks premature. It is so weird to go back and read it... it feels like a dispatch from a foreign country. I remember taking that photo, walking out to the back garden at my mother's house, in the snow. Seeing the trees with the snow so perfectly laid down on the branches. Feeling the stillness of the winter woods, of that point in my life. I realize now that it was the calm before a major storm. 

That night before I went to bed I used the bathroom and there was a bit of blood in my underwear. Only a tiny amount, like just pink really. Still, I texted Adam to let him know. We agreed to keep an eye on it. The next day in the afternoon I had an appointment scheduled to see my doctor, so I figured if I was still having bleeding the next day she could check me out. 

I went to bed.

Around 2 am, bad back pain woke me up. It was so bad I had to sit up in the bed. Then it passed. A few minutes later it was back. I waited about 10 minutes before I got up and woke my mom up. We agreed that I should go to the hospital. 35 weeks pregnant at that point, we didn't want to take chances. It's an hour's drive from my mom's house to the hospital, and it was snowing fairly heavily. So we called an ambulance. 

I got to the hospital around 4 am and by 6:53, Aidan Michael was born. 

At some point I'll flesh out the details of the birth, and all that came after (2.5 weeks in the NICU, a breastfeeding attempt and fail, the decision to move to formula, moving in to my new apartment, and the slow movement of winter into spring and sadness into happiness)... but for now I just wanted to update the blog. Aidan has arrived, and life is more wonderful now. More clear. I honestly feel happier than I have in years... and grateful for most if not all that happened in the last six months. 

For more pics of Aidan Michael Elliott-Noble, here are the ones I've posted on Instagram!

clarity

The last post I wrote on here was called "foggy waters" and indeed things felt foggy then. Things feel clearer now. 

Crazy to think that last post was on November 18th. It feels like far longer ago than that! A month and a half only... those days in between feel hard-won.

Anyway, it felt like time for an update. 

A lot of the questions in that last post have been answered. Yes, we're breaking up. Yes, there is hope - but not about us getting back together. It's hope for the baby, for us as co-parents. For our family (extended) to crack apart and then mend in a new way. We're doing pretty good at that so far. We're gathering the stuff the baby will need, and we're communicating well. The support of my own parents and brother has been invaluable. Yes, I will thrive again.  I can feel the buds of that appearing. Yes, I will have my own place. (There is one in the works, I just haven't moved in yet.) 

A lot of the things I mentioned as helping me through the dark patches are still what gives me life. Friends, and their texts, and laughing with them - LIFE. Music, old from my past or new, introduced to me - MORE LIFE. Writing about it - in my journal, in drafts in my email for future posts. In texts to friends. Same: LIFE. These things remind me I am alive, I am bad-ass, I am getting through. I CAN get through. 

I picked a word for this year, and it is GROW. On Instagram I wrote: "What I'm interested in inviting into my life this year is... growth. Both that of my baby (in the next month and a half she or he is growing to full-term, being born and then there is all the growth after that), and of myself. I'm growing as a person too... becoming a mother. Living on my own for the first time since I was 18. (I had room-mates after my first apartment on my own, and then lived with my partner for five years.) Going through a separation is a painful process and the last three months of 2017 were about things breaking apart, and me feeling broken. I want to *heal*, to feel *joy*. I want to respect the process of course - not just pretend I'm not sad when I'm sad - but I want to welcome in the positive growth that is part of this process too."

Right now the growth feels hidden. Under snow, in the case of the garden and the woods. Under my own skin, in the case of the baby that I cannot yet see, but who is slowly getting bigger every day, getting ready to be born. (Holy shit!) And hidden beyond this moment, in the future, unknown, in the case of everything else - my new place, when it will be ready, how I'll move in, what I'll need, how the birth will go. 

But just because I can't see it, doesn't mean it's not happening. Secret small things are unfurling, are building off each other, are becoming real and new. GROWTH is surprising, GROWTH is ancient and yet brand new. Growth is happening.