December Devotion/21

Back on the bandwagon. I go through phases. (So does the moon... so do we all. Right? Right.)

Phases of wanting to be on-the-Internet, and phases of wanting to shut the screens and machines, and just look at real life. Be with real faces. 

I'm still not totally comfortable in my new "blog house," I'll be honest. I'm still figuring out what I want this writing space to be about. I have Vampire Voices that say it must be all about design. Then I'll have thousands of client requests flooding my inbox. Then I look at a blog like Tara Whitney's and I think, it can be about anything. It's OK. (She is one of my favorites.)

I'd like to get better at taking photos. I'd like to just take more photos, really. 

This time of year, before the holiday, I get this weird lonely feeling. Like, a fear of being alone. Or a fear that I'm missing out. It's the same feeling I used to get around exam time at school. Like, we were all on our own now, and about to be dispersed. It's the pre-missing missing. 

When I feel that way, I have to remind myself to lighten up a little. It will all be OK. Chill time on my calendar is OK. Reading a book in bed is OK. 

Right? Right.

December Devotion/17

What I'm learning from devotion this month is... you can only devote yourself to one or two things. Tops. 

Devotion is not a thing that you can do for everything and everyone who wants a piece of you. 

Devotion is "all in", it's laser-focus, it's put-the-phone-down, look-at-the-person-talking. 

For a year or so now, since I started working with Tiffany Han last year, I've been in a process of figuring out what I want to be devoted to, and not only that, but how to actually devote myself to it. I remember around this time last year, deciding to stop writing "Dream Big Cape Breton," the blog I had created and sustained for three years. I remember finally leaving a board of directors I was on, that I had wanted to leave for the past two years. I remember feeling that I was so, so sick of the feeling of frantic.  

It's been a year and it's been, I see now, a slow, piece-by-piece getting to this point where I have only a few things on my plate. I kind of interrupted myself in that process, in the spring, when I crowdfunded $5000 and took a business program with Tiffany and Michelle. Life actually got busier. But I'm glad that that happened. It was worth the hustle.

But I'm glad the hustle is done now. I've got my website, and my little home on the web for my business. And I'm going to slowly grow it... but not at a crazy pace. "Sane, healthy pace" is my intention for 2016. I have a day job. I like that day job. I want to put energy in to this business, certainly. But not at the expense of other things, like my relationship. Like my garden. Like my friendships. Like my "white space".... that delicious time to myself to read, or just stare off into space.

Last weekend I got rid of the Dream Big Cape Breton Facebook group. I manually deleted over 1100 people. Then I culled my Facebook "Friends". I had over 1100 of those, too. I cut it back to just under 200. It was tough, shedding this public skin I had worn for years. I miss it a bit, in the week since. I miss feeling like I have 'influence', whatever that is. (Talking into the void, is what it really is.) 

But I don't miss having to turn my Facebook feed off because I was so overwhelmed by the stuff floating in that river. I'm glad it's back on now, and that the things I see in it are only from close friends, family, loved ones, when I choose to sign in.

I was used to running one step always ahead of my schedule, like a villain chasing me. Like my To Do list was a tetris puzzle -- you have to keep doing stuff, so that when new stuff gets added, there is room for it. 

Over the past year, I've slowly learned through trial and error how to have more white space than commitments. 

It's not easy (there are many things that I'm not devoted to, like the dishes, for instance, or cleaning my floors, or volunteering in my community, and I feel sometimes that I "should" be doing more) but it's ease-making. It's the antidote to frantic.

It's devotion to myself. 

december devotion/16

Devotion tonight is devotion to self... (and to this project, because I really don't feel like blogging right now, but I do want to write a bit each day, for the month). I worked a long day on my feet at work, cutting pans and pans of squares, and then assembling boxes of sweets. It's actually harder than it sounds, as there are a bunch of different kinds of squares to keep track of, and the sweet boxes have to have a certain number and variety of squares in them. It's also really sticky and messy work (think icing, and some squares are made of coconut and condensed milk), and on top of that you're also working with clients of the centre, who are adults with intellectual disabilities. Who are great, but, people can be tiring.

 Anyway, I love my job, but it's tiring at Christmas when I help out in the bakery. 

I had planned to go to the gym after, but when I left work tonight my body said, "nope." So I came home. And I'm about to get into bed and read or perhaps ... nap. 

It's hard sometimes to give yourself a break. My Vampire Voices start up, saying things about skipping the gym and being a quitter. It's hard to be good with the work I've done up til now, and to trust that I'll return to my regime once work isn't as tiring and busy. 

But the more you do it the easier it gets. So I'm signing off now, and going to go let my sore feet go "ahhhh" as they snuggle into bed. 

December Devotion/15

Tonight's December Devotion is a bit like a more traditional devotional, where you read a piece of scripture or religious writing daily. For this, I stood in front of my bookshelf for a minute and looked at spines, then picked out one of my favorites, "The Tao of Pooh." I opened to a random page and read. Here is what I read (it is fitting, I think):

"Ouch!" said Pooh, landing on the floor.

"That's what happens when you go to sleep on the edge of the writing table," I said. "You fall off."

"Just as well," said Pooh.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"I was having an awful dream," he said.

"Oh?"

"Yes. I'd found a jar of honey...," he said, rubbing his eyes.

"What's awful about that?" I asked.

"It kept moving," said Pooh. "They're not supposed to do that. They're supposed to sit still."

"Yes, I know."

"But whenever I reached for it, this jar of honey would sort of go someplace else."

"A nightmare," I said.

"Lots of people have dreams like that," I added reassuringly.

"Oh," said Pooh. "About Unreachable jars of honey?"

"About the same sort of thing," I said. "That's not unusual. The odd thing, though, is that some people live like that."

"Why?" asked Pooh.

"I don't know," I said. "I suppose because it gives them Something To Do."

"It doesn't sound like much fun to me," said Pooh.

--The Tao of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff.

Image from here. 

December Devotion/14

Adam's devotion, both to me/our family, and to himself, shows in his daily devotion to his work. He rises at 6 am, and he leaves by 7 am, or whatever time he needs to (sometimes it's earlier, if he's working farther away). He's an electrician by trade. He works for a local company. He's a steadfast and devoted worker, from what I hear, and from what I can tell. 

My devotion to him/our family shows in my daily going out to start the truck, which is when I took this photo above. While he's eating breakfast, I put on my rubber boots and go out, unlock the truck, and start it. It runs for about ten minutes before he goes out and leaves. We do this mainly in the winter, when it's cold out. 

It's Monday! The work week begins. My weekend was restful. I also made some changes to how I use some Facebook, which I'll talk about in an another post this week sometime. And, I took part in a virtual retreat led by Mara Glatzel. All in all, it was contemplative, and true to self. I come out of it feeling grounded. 

Have a good one, friend. :)

December Devotion/11

I'm actually grateful to the cold I had this week, that made me miss two sick days at work. I'm grateful for it because I was able to use it as a reason to cancel the plans I had made for this weekend, and stay home to rest. 

I had wanted down time, and because of this cold, I got it. 

In my down time, I thought a lot about the Productivity Vampire Voices. These are the breed of Vampire Voices that are specifically keen to beat me up about my productivity. You know the kinds of things they say; I bet you have them too. Basically, they tell me I'm only as good as the number of things on my To-Do list that I get done each day. Rest is their kryptonite. 

So my Productivity Vampire Voices were at a fever pitch when I first got sick, on Tuesday. But when I cancelled things, and got into bed, and slept, or watched Gilmore Girls, they began to fade. 

I want, so much, for there to be more space in my life. In my schedule. I really think this whole "we're all so freaking busy!!" thing is, frankly, horseshit. What I mean is, I think we've been sold a crock. I think we "hustle for our worth," which is something I heard Brene Brown say in a podcast episode I listened to this week.  I think women especially have such a hard time saying NO because they think that they have to help whoever asks them for help. 

It's easy, though, to say that. It's a whole other thing to live like that. To live essentially.

That's why I'm excited to take part in an upcoming experiment by the author of a book that has had a huge impact on me this year, Essentialism. It's called "Essential Live" and it's free. It starts on December 15th

The other thing I'm excited about, for focusing on my dreams + goals for the year to come, is an online retreat hosted by Mara Glatzel that I'm taking part in this Sunday. It's called "Glitter + Devotion".  I'll let you know next week, how I liked it and what I learned. 

So Devotion, today and for the weekend ahead, is about devotion to myself. Devotion to, well, to figuring out what is worth devoting myself to, and what can be left by the wayside. 

May you have a lovely weekend,

xo Leah

December Devotion/10

Devotion tonight looks like pudding. 

I asked Adam if he would pick up some pudding from the grocery store for me because I was having a craving. He didn't want to. But he did it. 

When he came home with the plastic bag, it had (no joke) six different kinds of pudding in it. Snack Pack in Milk Chocolate AND Dark Chocolate. Instant pudding in boxes. A chocolate mousse mix. 

The man may be one of few words but he is also one of a great variety of puddings. 

***

Hot damn, I love it when Janelle Hachett writes a new blog post. And tonight she did, and lo, it is about relationships. And it is good.

***

I've been home sick from work for two days now. I've been sleeping, and watching lots of Gilmore Girls. This is my old blog, my very first blog in fact, and tonight I searched "Gilmore Girls" on it for a walk down memory lane. Here are the results.  Reading them reminded me that I have never, in fact, really known what I'm doing. I get all caught up in perfectionism and worry, and don't want to just write and put stuff out there. When in fact, that is all I've ever really done. And it's worked so far. 

***

So devotion to one's craft looks like writing anyway, even if it is not perfect, because nothing ever is, and devotion to one's commonlaw-wife looks like pudding.

I'll take it.