9 days into my Instagram break...

And I’m considering never going back.

I mean, I probably will at some point. But for the moment I’m getting exactly what I want from a break, which is… mental space.

It isn’t all perfect bliss, please don’t assume I’ve got it all figured out, haha. One magic app deletion and that’s the secret to happiness! - no. But it does allow me some space in my brain and a feeling of increased privacy.

The tricky thing, of course, is that I’ve long gotten joy from sharing things about myself and my life online with strangers. Strangers who become friends! So I don’t want to go full hermit.

But for now, there is some peace in taking a step back. Deleting the app. Sitting in the quiet that comes to fill it.

July 24 - 10 things

Growth. Mama, baby.

1. Yesterday was my late paternal grandmother’s birthday. Isabel. She would have been almost a hundred - 97 years old. I put out on the table a photo album open to a page with a photo of me and her in 1989. Her hair was white, I remember her as OLD. She was only 65.

2. The forest, the rain, a waterfall, a pool. Nakedness. A wonder.

3. “These are the days of miracle and wonder.”

4. Butter, bread, cheese, cream cheese. A frying pan. The resulting crunch and smoothness of a perfect grilled cheese.

5. A fun writing exercise is when you write out a paragraph and then it doesn’t save and you rewrite it, better. Perhaps.

6. So many Paw Patrol yogurt drinks in this season of my life. Of Aidan’s life.

7. It’s OK to delegate work that others can do too, and save the work that only you can do, for you. (Write the book!)

8. Since coming out as bi last month, it feels as though I am dancing with my freedom. I am trying on new hats, new styles of clothing, looser fitting, more comfortable. This is literal and figurative. This feels so, so good.

9. The miracle is that we’re all still here. Still working on it all.

10. I am working on keeping a zero balance on my credit card and it feels scary and weird not to owe anything. Freedom can be scary.

This post format is 100% inspired by Alisha Sommor’s posts.

36 Things

Today I turn 36.

I drafted my “Want To Do” list what feels like a million years ago, but was really only a month and a half. Before Coronavirus came and changed everything, before we went into isolation living, and before the terrible shooting here in Nova Scotia. Before “normal” shifted so drastically.

But I think it’s still important to have fun goals, to have “Want To Do” lists. Control what we can, right? Find joy where we can, too.

This is inspired by Elise Blaha Cripe (of course - I love her) and her list is here. In the email newsletter where she talked about this, she said something along the lines of: the point is NOT to get all this stuff done. The point is get SOME of it done. It’s a list of fun, a list of dreams. Some of it will get done in an afternoon. Some will require months of planning. Some may never happen or may take a few more years. She wrote, “I loved dreaming up 35 things, but honestly? It will be so great if I do FIVE of these things.”

Ditto. It was FUN and a bit of a streeeetch to come up with 36 things! Some are BIG stretches (ahem, house? Novel? Probably won’t happen this year but it’s fun to dream). Some I already did (ahem, shave head? Was going to do that this summer but then COVID-19 happened). Some require keeping track over the year and some will be done in a day.

Without further ado, here’s my list:

1. Do a boudoir shoot with Kandise Brown.

2. Hike two coves: Fishing Cove and Gull Cove.

3. Shave my head.

4. Climate activism - more of it!

5. Build a garden bed.

6. Read 36 books.

7. Find the perfect brownie recipe.

8. Make ice cream from scratch.

9. Take 100 walks.

10. Camp in the CB Highlands National Park.

11. Host a Buy Nothing Project gathering.

12. Make my Christmas presents.

13. Learn to use my sewing machine and sew something.

14. Take a dance class.

15. Cook healthy meals with my boyfriend.

16. Send 36 pieces of mail.

17. Try 36 local foods.

18. Make a piece of jewellery I want to wear.

19. Swim in a river.

20. Use my sketchbook regularly.

21. Find a signature scent.

22. Make a pie from scratch.

23. Write a novel.

24. Buy a house.

25. Print my favourite photos of my favourite people and frame them.

26. Convert Aidan’s crib into a bed.

27. Update my website and CV.

28. Get or convert a coffee table with room for art supplies.

29. Make my kitchen more functional for me and inspiring to cook in.

30. Get fake plants.

31. Get a new tattoo.

32. See 10 concerts.

33. Write 10 poems.

34. Take a trip.

35. LGBTQ activism.

36. Do a 100 Day Project.

Template for the list is from Elise Blaha Cripe - they were free to newsletter subscribers. If you want one message me too and I can send you the email they were from.

Thoughts had while walking. Thoughts had while tidying my apartment. My Friday night to myself - and deciding to bail on a writers’ group meeting tomorrow morning in order to WRITE.

This novel isn’t going to write itself.

things happen

Last week I was really into posting a small post daily. I took a weekend break and thought I would continue this week. Then Monday my kiddo was sick with a fever, I had to leave work early to go get him. That continued into Tuesday. Took him to the doctor and he had an ear infection, blarg. We also had two snowstorms in there… and I live alone and have no-one else to shovel for me. And have to wait until kiddo goes to sleep so I can go out and shovel.

We’ve had so much snow this winter that my little basement apartment is starting to feel a bit like a cave.. its hard to see out the windows for the snow-hills, drifts and banks.

Then today (Wednesday) work was called off, which was good because I would’ve had to take the morning off anyway to be home with Aidan. (Antibiotics but still, he needs 24 hours rest before going back to daycare.)

And being home with a sick kid is not like when you’re home sick by yourself - it’s round the clock care for a small 2-year-old human who can’t express in words how he’s feeling. Who has a history of febrile seizure. Who only wants to be on mama, clinging to mama with his feverish little body, and cries when I go pee.

So this is getting long, which isn’t my goal. So I’ll end it here. My point being: things happen. Things get in the way. It’s OK. Get back to it when you can.

Grounding down

Since a couple of months now, my inner voice has been saying a phrase to me when I get overwhelmed, or when I feel like the moment is going too fast and I want it to last.

“Ground down into the moment.”

I think I picture my legs and feet rooting into the ground. Or some sort of energy from my body turning into a pillar or a tube, and then grounding, like electricity. I don’t know what I picture exactly, only just how it feels, to hear those words.

Ground. Down.

This moment, this place I am in, these things around me (tables? chairs? food?), these other people sharing this moment (my son? my boyfriend? my family? my co-workers?)... what are they? Pay attention to them. Pay. Attention.

Inklings

I Love Typography was one of my first inklings that I might become a graphic designer.

The year was 2009 (the Internet was a very different place then). I was living at my mother’s house. I was 25 years old. (For context, I am going to turn 36 this April.) I had completed three years of a Bachelor of Arts, specializing in absolutely nothing, dabbling in everything. I had had depression, and left university. I had recovered. I was working for a marina in their hardware store, even though I was not a boater.

I wanted to go back to school and to do something else but I didn’t know what.

Somehow I stumbled across John Boardley’s passionate and funny blog posts about letterforms, and I was hooked. I remember checking each night for new posts. I loved how he wrote back to people and engaged in comments. But mostly I was excited about ascenders and descenders, and type history, and the making of typefaces.

I remember thinking, “Do people actually DO this, for money?” And, “Can I actually DO this, for money?”

Follow your inklings. Your never know where they will lead but they will probably lead somewhere good.