I’m trying out blogging from my phone, because these days I think that’s more realistic. Time, I faced this week, is finite. No stretch. My energy too, reaches a point where I am done.
It’s Friday, the end of the week, and I’ve just got Aidan to bed. I’m wondering why it is that I always think I’ll have energy and motivation to do things (like clean up) once I’ve read him books, cuddled with him, and fallen asleep with him. I never do, I’m always wanting to just do the bare minimum and go back to bed myself.
I think it’s because we all think of ourselves like robots first, people second. And it’s so hard to break.
This was a big week for me because this week I talked to the manager at my part time job about reducing my hours there. I told her I was thinking of leaving. I wrestled with this for days before bringing it up, I texted several friends to weigh the pros and cons and get support in saying something BEFORE burnout actually happens. A few said it is “just a part time job", and yes, that’s very true, but this week I realized just how much this part time job has come to mean to me. And also - and I’m less keen to admit this - how much I enjoy that “having two jobs” feeds my own ego and sense of being a superhero.
But as those friends reminded me, you gotta take care of yourself. Just because you CAN hustle doesn't mean you HAVE to. So we’re reducing my hours, and we’ll see how that goes. The conversation I feared would be difficult … was not. It’s worth it to get vulnerable and make small changes to ease your own burden.
These are the quickly-jotted notes on the other parts of my week, typed when inspiration struck me at work earlier today. I’m not editing them because it’s late and I’m ready for bed… and I want to blog more, and let it be real:
Toddler time - Monday night just Aidan and I. Tuesday night my mom and her BF came over. the busy-ness and the unpredictability of a toddler. The cuddles. The sweetness (gentle pats) but also the suddenness of a slap. Patience, patience. HE teaches ME.
Wednesday night - AHHHH I can relax. A massage, her elbows deep in my shoulder blades, popping and crunching those knots apart. Home and heated up a can of Campbell's Soup. Herbed chicken with rice. Grace and Frankie. Gentle and palatable soup, show. My place to myself, curled up on the couch with my journal. Writing, loving on me.
Thursday night - working at the clothing store after my full time job. Taking shirts and pants out of plastic bags. Hanging them. Talking to customers, asking if they want help, carrying clothes to change rooms. Signing in using my employee ID number, 577461. I would miss this so much.
Heading to my BF's for the night. We cuddle and talk about nothing and everything. It is so easy with him, it feels like it can’t possibly be this easy. Yet here we are, almost at a year.