I liked taking this Rest Quiz. I scored highest on Mental, Physical and Emotional Rest Score, lowest on Spiritual and Social, with middle of the road results on Sensory and Creative. Interesting.
I want to make some art for my gallery wall. These and these are inspirations. Also this… and this.
Elise and family are moving! It’s got me so inspired to make small and big changes. (But not moving, not yet.) Also midsummer makes me want to re-evaluate my January goals so that’s what I’m up to this weekend.
Alex and BodyConfidence are now on Patreon! I’ll be supporting them on there real soon. I miss drawing!
I’ve signed up for this training and am going to fit it in… at some point.
Currently is a free weather service that is “a community of people sharing resources and delivering justice, hope, connection, safety, and resilience in a world in urgent need of systemic action.”
The Cabot Trail Writers Festival just announced their lineup and tickets are available! I’ll have Aidan that weekend but I hope you go, and have fun.
10 things // July 18
Hot summer day, hot Sunday. Would I rather be at the beach? Yes, maybe. But a part of me is happy to be in the cool basement apartment, tidying. Clearing. Getting ready.
Coming to terms with all the chaos energy in my life and what I need, to balance it out. Partly it is a planner and keeping track of things. Partly it is more rest.
Pink Noise by Laura Mvula, an album.
The orange daylilies against a flat blue sky.
A three and a half year old son, with his father this weekend. And his father’s new family. Who were we, 4 years ago? Who are we now? Changed, changed.
I bought a person a card last month, addressed it to them and stamped it. Didn’t write in it, my gut said “wait'“. They called things off. Today I covered over their address, and wrote a note in it to one of my best friends. Things change, change.
Some days I am utterly frustrated by how slow things change, too. I want to change a great deal in my life - my own business, buy a home, write a book. Instead, I go to work. I pay my bills. I feed my child. “What if the thing you want to create will take 3X the conditioning you think it should?” What if?
“Don’t be a chill host.”
A crow flies by outside. The maple and spruce trees float and tickle the breeze.
What is the gift? And what is the risk?
This post format is 100% inspired by Alisha Sommor’s posts.
another instagram break // the 22 project
Late-April and May life. Working from home, more neighbourhood walks and noticing more nature. Dinosaurs 24/7 when kiddo is here. Getting my first shot of the vaccine! Doing a puzzle all by myself!
So back in late April I followed an urge to take another Instagram break. (Here is my last one from last fall.)
And as a result I’ve decided to stay off the app in general, except for one day a month - on the 22nd.
It is not a deactivation or a detox but instead a deceleration. “A reduction in speed or rate.” A slowwwwww down.
Instagram has given me so much, over the years since I started using it in … 2015? I can’t remember exactly when it was, but it has been a while, and I have shared so so much on there. I have made dear friends, and learned so much about queerness and BIPOC and climate issues, art and writing and local places. It is HARD to imagine not being on it daily, not interacting with my audience and not in turn being someone’s audience.
BUT.
And yet. And still.
I do not like what it does to my mind, to my creative spirit. I do not like it at all. The feeling of FOMO, of needing to check in at least once in a 24-hour period lest I miss a good Story. The feeling of daily considering what I will post. It sucks up my creative juices.
And I am in a busy, squeezed season of life, mothering a 3 year old, working full time, weathering a pandemic. I am yearning to write, to make art, to have TIME. To find time in the cracks and the spaces between “all the other things”.
I couldn’t really put it into words, it was moreso just a feeling that I was following, until I recently listened to this podcast episode: “Leaving Social Media and Returning to Center”.
In it, at one point, the guest, Marlee, says:
Really not thinking about other people's opinions has really been my favorite part. You open Instagram and you just look at so many people's thoughts every day! And I really don't like that. That's the thing I don't think I realized I was doing. Until now when I wake up and I'm like, "I'm only thinking my own thoughts! That's so cool." And then if I wanna like listen to a podcast of somebody else's thoughts, I can do that, if I wanna read an article, with somebody else's thoughts - I can just CHOOSE more of what I'm consuming. You're not really making deliberate choices, you don't really know what's going to pop up in your feed, that's scary. Like I don't wanna ever have that again. So I'm already like, 'what will it be like when I return?" I don’t think I ever wanna see the feed again, but I think I wanna know what people are up to. I don't know. There’s a lot that I don't know still.
And then Mara, the host, says:
Well and it's so interesting from a creative and creation perspective, because I think something that certainly catches me up, and you know I hear from other people who are creating art and writing, and creating in different capacities, that all of those people's opinions then take up residence in your head even when you're not on the app. And you start thinking like "oh I'm gonna say this, I'm gonna write this" and then what would Suzie Lou Hoo in Ontario think about that, because I'm thinking about them, because they're a part of my experience through this interface, and how... you know, I went a couple of years ago there was like a whole year of my life where I felt like I couldn't say anything, or write anything, because I was so stuck in that place of thinking about it from every different angle, or considering what you know, 500 people were gonna say about what I had said, and pick it apart, and it just hinders so much of that creativity. Having all of those voices, not just living in the app but living in your body with you.
YES - I thought when I heard this. “Living in your body with you.” I could FEEL that, so palpably. I could relate so much to what Marlee was talking about, too - that feeling of just thinking my own thoughts.
For a long, long time, you know, I thought the answer to being known, to being an influence on other people’s lives, to make a name for myself, was to try and cram it all in. To do it all. To take on everything.
Now I’m at a point where it’s clear the answer is the opposite - to make clear boundaries. To make sure the artist has time to make art, that the writer has time to write. To make sure her energy and inspiration and BODY is clear and free as possible.
So here we go. The 22 Project - checking in once a month to Instagram, and posting here on my blog whenever I feel like it.
Here’s to more creative freedom.
(PS - I do also realize that many businesses, especially of the small, local variety, use Instagram and Facebook and other social media platforms as a marketing method and that it is almost inseparable from their businesses. I know it is not easy to untangle oneself from the cords and strings of social media. I still use it for my day job and am grateful for the people who interact with my employer’s accounts, which I help to manage. I also realize some folks are using it to make space for marginalized voices + stories. And that some people find it invigorating and exciting, not that it depletes them. There is no simple answer for the whole beast, the whole conundrum of social media. Perhaps more thoughts on that to come in a future post!)
the boudoir shoot
The one about my boudoir experience now lives here and you need a password to see it. For the password - email me! leahcnoble @ gmail (dot) com. Let me know who you are and how we know each other or why you’re interested in seeing it, and I’ll be happy to send it along.
I had originally shared this post with no password but after a bit of time decided I needed a boundary around it, since in the piece I get very candid about my growth in terms of sexuality and relationships, and the photos are intimate (with blurring).
But I also share all my answers to the questions I got on Instagram, including “How did you decide what to wear or not?”, “What made you able to be uninhibited and comfortable?”, and “How did you feel before vs. after?” So if you are interested - please do email me, I’d love for you to read the piece and see the photos. This boundary is more so that Google/just anyone can’t find it. Thanks!
Goal-Setting for 2021
So! It’s that time of year again. It’s time to look back and see how the year went, and then look ahead and see how I want to feel and what I want to do in 2021.
This process took me about a week. It is entirely based on Elise Blaha Cripe’s process, which I got from her newsletters. I answered the first couple of questions by going through the photos on my phone, and through my planner, and then jotting some ideas down for #3.
Then I let a few days go by, and then I did a vision boarding exercise with a few of my closest friends. Those photos are below. And then the NEXT day I finalized the answers to #3 and then answered the questions for “what will make me feel XYZ?’ And THEN I set my goals.
I’m telling you all this to show that it’s not an instant, snap-your-fingers, one-and-done thing. I think my reflections benefit from letting them sit and simmer for days at a time. Other ideas pop up in the shower or when doing the dishes.
And when I go back to work in a few days I’m planning to do a similar but scaled-back process for my work goals.
Without further ado:
1. What did I do in 2020?
I worked at Horizon Achievement Centre full time. I shoveled snow. I celebrated Aidan turning 2. I worked a second job in retail for a few months. I got an IUD. I lived through a pandemic. I isolated for 4 weeks with a toddler. I shaved my head. I got dumped. I came out as bisexual. I had some interesting dating experiences and a Hot Girl Summer. I went to the beach a lot with my kiddo and a friend and her kids. I did eight hikes in my project to hike all 26 hikes in the Cape Breton Highlands National Park. I went to Prince Edward Island. I went to New Brunswick and did a boudoir shoot there. I started writing a novel.
2. How do I FEEL?
I feel more grounded in my truth and sexually liberated than this time last year. Angry at the systems of oppression and wanting to make a difference. Angry at climate change and wanting to make a difference. As a parent, more in a state of ease than ever before. But also feeling like the next year will have challenges that I’m apprehensive about. Really exhausted of dating and relationships/situationships, and ready to pull back energy from that. Relieved to be single and to have reserves of energy to fill back up. Happy that I had a lot of nature time this past year and wanting MORE in 2021. But also a bit exhausted, the holidays/pandemic etc.
3. How do I want to FEEL in 2021?
NOT rushing, from thing to next thing. Paced. Balanced.
Spacious.
Powerful.
Turned on.
Creative.
A better parent. (I know I’m already a good parent - I just want to be better in a few certain ways.)
Frugal.
What will help me feel BALANCED?
Being able to get to projects that have been on the back burner, like my family genealogy, and printing photobooks.
Rest and enough sleep.
Less on my phone. Reading more books. Journaling.
A LOT more uncommitted, unplanned time.
Weekly and monthly check-ins with myself for goals.
Cutting out coffee and seeing how that affects my tummy health.
Taking my blood pressure regularly again.
Organizing my space to the best of my ability.
Finishing up the gallery wall of photos.
What will help me feel SPACIOUS?
Dance, expanding my body.
Being outside in wide open spaces.
Being diligent about free time and NOT committing to too much.
Stretching.
What will help me feel POWERFUL?
Using my body to learn dance - see how it moves, see how it expresses.
Having firmer boundaries around things. Like my phone use.
Speaking truth to power.
Overhauling my website, my online presence, to reflect who I am NOW.
What will help me feel TURNED ON?
Making art.
A self-devotional pleasure practice. (Looking into the work of Ann Nguyen.)
Writing.
Wearing clothes that sensually feel good.
What will help me feel CREATIVE?
Overhauling my website.
Creating - writing my novel. Drawing classes. Dance classes.
Creating things with Aidan.
Making sure I have TIME and SUPPORT to do these things. (And then actually doing them instead of scrolling or playing a game on my phone.) (Not that there is anything wrong with those things, I think they serve a purpose at various stages in life! But right now I want to repurpose my free time.)
What will help me feel like A BETTER PARENT?
Learning about this next phase of Aidan’s life and how I can best support him, the changes he is going through.
Being more present, less on my phone.
Food - exploring different tastes with Aidan.
Being prepared for the time I have him (not overextending myself during my time without him).
What will help me feel FRUGAL?
Weekly money check-ins. (I use YNAB.)
Making more meals in advance.
A morning breakfast solution.
Changing my landline to a pay-as-you-go cell so there is still some security when Mom babysits.
So then.. thinking of alllll these things, I wanted to set just 10 goals (and ten can be a lot too, so pick your own number really) to work towards these things.
My GOALS:
Weekly and monthly check-ins to set mini goals. Will track: in my planner and journal.
Read 24 books (two a month) with intention and mindfulness (not just skimming). Will track: on Instagram and GoodReads.
Dance class - Contemporary Adult Beginner, every two weeks at Painted Dance Studio. Will track in check boxes in my planner.
Hikes - as many more as I can toward my goal. Will track: in the Google Sheet I’m already using.
Organizing the house - will break this down into mini projects. Will track: in my planner.
Overhaul my website and personal brand/online space. Deadline: Fall 2021.
Family genealogy - connect with uncle Eric and learn how to add new people to our family tree and use new program to do so. Deadline: end of January.
Parenting - Do some research into age 3 and what developmental changes lie ahead. Sign up for Encouraging Creative Kids eCourse. Deadline: end of January.
Making food - Make lunches each weekend for week ahead. Will track: in my planner.
Change landline to a pay-as-you-go phone. Deadline: end of February.
Some of these are easy goals that I’m sure I’ll get done this month and some are for the whole year. This is the point of the monthly and weekly check-ins. A span of time as big as a year is hard to plan for, as we found out this year (and each person finds out at various times of their life, in various ways, with sudden unexpected change). That’s OK. I feel like taking a best guess is really as good as we can do, and still gives me the structure and motivation I need for change.
Alright 2021 - you’re going to be an interesting year, no matter what happens. Let’s GO.
WHEW
… like… WHEW. What a fucking YEAR, right?
So many thoughts brewing.
Stay tuned.
30 Days Later
So I took the month of September off Instagram.
And as you might expect, I have thoughts.
What I loved about it: the extra time.
NOT being “caught up” with everything.
Not being able to procrastinate
What I missed about it: sharing little things like “it’s Libra season.” Or the little day-to-day happenings.
Being able to procrastinate, ha.
***
Taking the month of September off Instagram taught me (or really, it re-showed me, as any break does) that you can do this anytime. It is literally as simple as saying “I am going,” and then ... going. I left my email address - and got one email. The “big missing” I thought would happen did not. People moved on, lived their lives, did their scrolling without me, and were fine.. Lol and I was still me, too. And I was still funny, warm, grounded, caring - all the things I’d come to rely on Instagram to give me feedback on.
I did check in the browser once a week or so for messages, and got a few. I had a boudoir shoot done and posted my sneak peeks (and have So Many Thoughts on that to share in an upcoming post!).
When I had a cute lipstick or outfit or something I’d normally share in my stories, I texted a few friends instead.
I went to bed and turned my phone on bedtime mode at 10 and read and snuggled with my kitty.
I learned that I do love Instagram but I also REALLY love a break from Instagram. I love having *boundaries* with Instagram. It’s like a friendship or any relationship that benefits greatly from strong rules in place. It’s good the old way, but better this way. So for now I’m going to keep this good thing going. I’m going to be off the month of October too.
The time I’ve not been spending on the app (and the extra space in my mental energy) has allowed me to think somewhat about where I’m going in my life. My career. As a Cape Bretoner and as a mom and as a human alive on Earth as the climate crisis worsens. We don’t have much time left to take advantage of the world as we know it, the world cheap fossil fuels has allowed. To set up alternative ways to be, before the climate crisis forces us to.
I’ve been mulling a lot what I can do to help that isn’t just sharing posts on social media. Although you know I love a good post share… But I don’t want that to be ALL I do, you know? And I don’t want that for any of you either. I want to figure out and then actually DO things I can change, and ways we all can change.
But this is heavy stuff to face and I need to balance it out with rest and time spent alone, or with my family, and not scrolling *nearly* as much.
What’s the trade-off? Am I less in tune with what’s going on on the world, on my community?
Maybe, but also I don’t think so. I’ve been more active on Facebook, partly because of my work, but also in the Buy Nothing group I admin for my area. And partly just to connect with people on there, family and friends. I’ve been listening to CBC Radio more, maybe because I’m less stimulated by news and information from Instagram. I’ve been listening to podcasts more (specifically A Beautiful Mess’s archives, and Mara Glatzel’s Needy, and Layla Saad’s A Good Ancestor). I’ve been out talking to my neighbours, maybe not more but definitely more appreciated.
I’ve been working (extremely slowly) on a novel.
I’ve been reclaiming my time.
***
Its important to remember that it’s ok to change. It’s ok to have gone through an Instagram phase and then be going through a non-Instagram phase.
I also think it’s interesting too that this phase is coinciding with me being single again and NOT looking. When I broke up with my boyfriend of one year, in June, I jumped on Tinder almost right away, mainly for some casual fun, but also to explore my newly claimed bisexuality and to date women as well as men. And it was great! I met awesome people, learned a lot about myself. But it was BUSY and a lot of work and energy too. So currently I’m not looking, for a relationship, or for new partners. I’m casually dating a few folks I met. But mainly I’m focusing on me, on my son, on my friends and my close family. On my home. On my goals. And it feels damn incredible.
***
So what’s the wrap-up? Just that for now, this is what works, for me. We’re all different. It’s cool if you’re totally into Instagram right now, or a different platform. Maybe one day soon I’ll be back at the level I used it before. Maybe not. We’ll see.
I’d love to hear from you, though. :) I do miss the connections.